Options:
Options while still living in an abusive relationship
When a partner is not physically violent, a Woman might think
that her partners behavior towards her is not abusive. The
following is a series of questions you should ask yourself about
your own relationship.
- Does he assume the right to control how you live and behave?
- Have you given up important activities or people in your
life in order to keep him happy?
- Does he devalue your opinions, your feelings, and your
accomplishments?
- Does he shout, threaten or withdraw into an angry silence
when you displease him?
- Do you 'walk on eggs' rehearsing what you will say so as not
to set him off?
- Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without
warning?
- Do you often feel confused , off balance or inadequate with
him?
- Is he extremely jealous and possessive?
- Does he blame you for everything that happens in the
relationship?
If your answer is 'yes' to most of these
questions ask yourself if your partners behaviour towards you
sounds loving?. A man who uses any of the above behaviour in an
intimate relationship uses his words and his moods as weapons on
his partner. If he does not physically abuse the Woman in his
life, he systematically wears her down through psychological
battering. Psychological battering is every bit as emotionally
devastating as physical violence
Change
You want changes in your relationship and for your partner to
stop abusing you, so what can you do?
Before any of us can change a relationship, we have to
understand what is occurring in it. But understanding is not
enough. In order for your life and your relationship to change,
you have to do something different, not just think about it
differently.
Because abuse is about power and control, your partner is not
going to want to loose his control over you. It is important to
remember that when you are going to start changing the
relationship your partner may become even more of a bully or a
tyrant, he might withdraw, threaten to leave or try to punish you.
Some abusive men respond to to their partners new strengths with a
different kind of manipulation, tears, apologies and promises to
change. All reactions have the same goal, to get his partner to
give up her attempts to change the relationship.
You must be aware at all times of your safety and the safety of
your children and be clear as to what you will and can do if the
abusive behaviour does turn violent.
Your options
- Talk to someone about how you feel. You can telephone
Tearmann and speak to a trained member of staff
- You can find out all of your options if you do decide at any
stage that you are not prepared to stay in the relationship.
- You can try counselling where you will be able to explore
your feelings and understanding of what's going on in your
relationship and how to set limits.
- You can try group therapy where you will have the support of
other Women in similar circumstances.
- You can start reading books from the recommended readers
page so that you can become more aware of how power and control
work in relationships.
It is very important that you
nurture yourself when you are hurting and that you believe that
you deserve the same kind of loving attentions that you have being
giving to others. Making changes in a destructive relationship is
not easy. A destructive relationship is like an open wound-it just
continues to fester without healing. Tearmann have support
services to help you, do not be afraid to ask for this help.
Personal Development
Personal development involves being aware of yourself, your
interactions with others and your reactions to different
situations. It is the development of you and you finding out how
you tick. It is through personal development that you will learn
to love yourself and see that your own needs are as important as
any one else's needs. You will learn to be a Woman in your own
right.
The following explains some of the ways you can do this and get
to make some new friends at the same time.
Assertiveness
The skills taught in a basic
assertiveness class include making clear, specific requests,
learning how to say 'no', handling criticism- both on the
receiving end and when you need to confront someone else, learning
about body language, managing the expression of feelings
especially anger, receiving compliments, taking the initiative,
building your self-esteem and improving your self presentation.
Assertiveness does not mean you have to become aggressive or a
bully, nor does it mean getting your own way all the time. You may
have to negotiate a compromise instead. An assertive woman
develops a genuine respect for the needs, feelings and rights of
others and herself. This principle of equality is one of the most
important hallmarks of assertive behaviour.
Contact Dóchas for Women Monaghan (047) 71640 or your local
woman's group.
Parenting Courses
Parenting courses teach you what
are called parenting skills.
Parenting Skills Include:
- Looking at children's misbehaviour.
- How to listen to children.
- How to encourage children.
- How to discipline your children.
- How to solve problems that you can have with your children.
Contact I.S.P.C.C. Monaghan (047) 84420
Dóchas For
Women Monaghan (047) 71640
Counselling
Counselling is a two way helping relationship between a
counsellor and a client in a secure, confidential setting.
Counselling is about change. It is a talking therapy where you
will have the opportunity to explore your feelings and concerns
freely with a trained counsellor. The counsellor enables and helps
the client to find their own answers. The client always has the
power to change within, but the client must want change.
Why Counselling ?
People have some hope, faint as it might be, that brings them
into counselling. They want the future to be different to the
present. In order for this to happen, they might need to start
looking at their beliefs, values, attitudes, behaviour and
experiences. They might need to find out what their needs are, if
they are being met, if not, how to have them met. You can talk to
family and friends but how many times have you presented your
problem to someone you know and ended up getting a rundown of
their problems in return? When you talk with a counsellor, you
will know that you are talking to someone who is giving you full
genuine attention in a non-judgemental way . The purpose of
counselling is change and the counsellor is trained to empower the
client to make changes in their lives.
Counselling
Annie Croarkin (047) 81781
Contact
Tearmann Women's Support Centre (047) 72311
Dóchas Women's
Group Monaghan (047) 71640
Gerard Reilly (087) 6849133
Tearmann Domestic Violence Services is based at-
1st Floor
17 North Rd,
Monaghan
Fax: 047- 72455
